Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
