JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
