The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
