She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
