Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
