remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
