Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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