drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
