Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
