Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
