NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
