I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
