I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize