exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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