I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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