apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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