It's Friday. Sex?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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