We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
