he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
