I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's shark week go big or go home
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
