No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
