So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize