The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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