There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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