it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
