Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
