I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
