Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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