When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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