I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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