I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
