WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
