Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
