i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
