I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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