i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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