I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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