The maid of honor just puked.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
