Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
