It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
