I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
