Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
