so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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