he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
