Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
...so i touched it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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