ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
