i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
