You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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