i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
