My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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