a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize