I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
