I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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