she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
