I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize