dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
