i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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