My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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