Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
