I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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